She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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