im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
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She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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