You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.