He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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