Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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