I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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