you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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