Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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