There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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