He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
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I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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