Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
