I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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