im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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