so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
