My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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