dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
