OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
