Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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