you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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