I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dear god my vagina.
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