i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
