My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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