I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize