Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
