I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
