If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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