Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
