I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
