The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
