You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
