Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
