if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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