I need help removing her.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
