I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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