I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
