K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw a hot homeless man
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
