Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Can I color on your dick again?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
