My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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