Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
