If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
