Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
