i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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