my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
no, he came in my armpit
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
