So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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