I just pynch a tree in the face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
