His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
