I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
