and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
