I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
