I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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