just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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