omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
