My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
