You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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