maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
