he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
