You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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