I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
