and you said cock pushups were impossible
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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