Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
