And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
